State of Emergency: New hotline

Thank you for calling the limited state of emergency hotline of the Republic of Trinidad and Tobago, the country voted by European colonial overlords as the greatest tourist destination in the world.

We have intercepted your call, and almost anything that you say can be used against you.

For a PNM scholarship, press 1.

For a People’s Partnership board appointment, press 2.

For the Nelson Street 21, press 3.

To speak with a 14-year-old, press 4.

To poison a zaboca, press 5.

For graduated, certified, registered and licensed journalists, press 6.

If you’re pregnant and live in San Fernando, press 7.

If you wish to develop Invaders Bay, press 8.

To hold a public meeting, press 9.

To repeat these options, press zero or hold to vote accordingly…

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